Coughs and Sneezes
by thesilversun
Summary: The Rift is quiet, Jack is bored and Ianto has a cold. Crack fic, this might just be the most ridiculous thing I've written. Jack/Ianto.


Title: Coughs and Sneezes  
>CharactersPairings: Jack/Ianto, team.  
>Rating: PG<br>Summary The Rift is quiet, Jack is bored and Ianto has a cold.  
>AN: Crack fic, this might just be the most ridiculous thing I've written. This was another memory stick lurker and had been there since Feb 2007)

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><p>Jack watches his team from his office, it's been a dull few days, with nothing much coming through the Rift. The only thing that had looked even vaguely interesting had on closer inspection turned out to be a device for organising music collections – provided of course you wanted to organise it by the colours the alien race had assigned to each musical note. Not particularly useful, and definitely not enough to keep everybody occupied.<p>

Friday afternoon, three hours to the weekend, baring alien invasion of course, and everybody is trying to look busy, or at least find something to do so they aren't quite as bored.

Gwen is reading her way through every old case file she can find, trying to understand the un-understandable, as Jack considers it. Still not willing to give up even after several months at Torchwood, he has to admire her persistence.

Tosh is working on her translation program, determined to make sense of alien writing that has been sent to them from Torchwood two, who had finally admitted that they couldn't make any sense of it. And it's only taken them twenty seven years to admit it, Jack smiles, hardly any time at all. He hopes for all their sakes it turns out to be something more than an alien's shopping list, or they'll never hear the end of it.

Owen is pretending to sort through old medical files for evidence of previously unreported alien activity in the Cardiff area in the 1930's. What he's actually doing, Jack is pretty sure of it, is he's looking at porn.

It's probably not even particularly good porn, thinks Jack shaking his head, what would Owen do if he ever saw some of the stuff that was available on certain other planets, or 51st century Earth.

The thought of that makes Jack smile, and he wonders if he should leave some of it in Owen's to do pile. Sitting back and watching Owen's expression would probably be priceless. He'll do it tomorrow if nothing more interesting happens, that will give him time to find something that he's pretty sure Owen will never have seen the like of before.

Ianto is wandering around the Hub slightly aimlessly, tidying and offering to make everybody coffee, while coughing, sneezing and generally looking miserable.

Jack has suggested to him that he should probably go home at least three times today, and he has refused to go, citing that 'there's far too much too do', 'who would cover reception?' and that he 'doesn't feel that bad, sir, honestly.'

Jack doesn't particularly believe him, the fact that Ianto has spent the day drinking those horrible lemon cold cure drinks instead of coffee tell Jack that Ianto is probably feeling worse than he's letting on.

"Why don't go home and get some rest, you look like you could do with it." Tosh smiles sympathetically as Ianto sneezes again.

"Yeah, go home before you give us all your germs." Owen pipes up from behind the stack of papers he's meant to be sorting out.

"You didn't tell me that last week." Gwen throws a scrunched up ball of paper at Owen. It bounces off the back of his chair.

"Well you weren't sneezing all over my coffee were you?" Owen throws the ball of paper back at Gwen, who ducks, the paper ending up in her coffee.

Ianto gives him a bleary eyed look of annoyance, and says. "You can make you own coffee if bothers you so much."

Owen does have a point, Jack decides, having the whole team down with cold could be a problem. Knowing their luck that would be exactly the time that something nasty falls through the Rift and tries to eat Cardiff.

Ianto takes some persuading, but eventually agrees to go home and get some rest.

The rest of the day drags on, until Jack finally sends the rest of the team home.

Bored, and wondering if Ianto is feeling any better yet, Jack drives over to his house.

Knocking on the door, Jack waits.

Ianto is dressed in a dressing gown and pyjamas when he eventually opens the door. "Come in."

"Why is it so cold in here?" Jack wanders past Ianto in to the living room.

"The boiler is broken, I'm still waiting for a repairman." Ianto shuffles round his living room.

"Isn't that a bit sexist?" Jack checks the radiator, it cold and makes a gurgling sound when he kicks.

Ianto stares at him, and blinks. "Getting a boiler fixed?"

"Assuming it would be a man." Jack wanders back out into the hallway.

"Oh." Ianto leans against the door as he starts coughing again.

"That settles it, you're not staying here." Jack picks up Ianto's coat.

"You spent all day trying to get me to go home, now I'm here, I've got to leave again?"

"You need to be somewhere warm, you want to get better quickly don't you? After all think of what Owen will do to you coffee machine while you're gone."

"That's blackmail."

"Is that better or worse than harassment?" Jack grins and holds out the coat.

"I don't know," Ianto tries to scowl, but sneezes instead. "But it's cruel and unusual."

"What like Owen's coffee?"

"That doesn't make any sense," Ianto says irritable. "Alright, let me get dressed first though."

"Why? You're going straight to bed as soon as we get back to the Hub."

"Fine." Ianto snaps and puts the coat on over his pyjamas.

They drive back to the Hub in silence, except for the occasional sneeze.

x0x0x0x

Sitting on the edge of Jack's bed in the cramped room below his office, Jack passes Ianto a mug.

Ianto stares dubiously at the contents. "What is this?"

"Captain Jack's patented cold cure, trust me, you'll feel better in no time"

"I hope so." Ianto drinks it then hands the mug back saying. "I can barely taste anything and that was still tastes disgusting."

Jack puts a blanket around Ianto. "All the stuff that works usually does."

Huddled in the blanket, Ianto is half asleep within a few minutes.

Nodding forwards, he catches sight of his hands. "They're green." He sounds confused, he pushes up his sleeves, his arms are green as well. "I'm green. What did you give me? I look like some alien off Star Trek."

Jack shrugs. "It got rid of your cold."

"I'm green." Annoyed.

"You're not sneezing any more." Jack tries to look guilty and fails, he's still imagining Ianto in skimpy clothing of the original Star Trek's Orion slave girls.

"I'm green." Angry.

"It's only a temporary, minor side effect."

"I am green." Getting angrier.

"It's a nice shade." Jack cannot help himself although Ianto's expression tells him that  
>winding Ianto up further may not be a good move.<p>

"That's not the point, I am green."

"So I see." This was really not turning out like Jack had hoped.

"How long am I going to look like this?"

"Few hours, couple of days at most." Jack does look somewhat apologetic now.

"Days! You mean I've got to spend the whole weekend the colour of a tree frog?"

Jack starts laughing, he really hadn't meant to but the sight of Ianto standing there hands on hips, scowling at him, all green skin, stripy pyjamas and bed hair is one of the funniest things Jack has seen in a long time.

"This is not amusing." Ianto looks down at his feet, and wiggles his toes, they are green too and then starts laughing as well. "All right, maybe it is, but what am I going to so, I can't stay here in bed all weekend. I don't have any clothes."

Jack grins and the starts to strip off. "I think we can, and I can guarantee that we won't need any clothes at all."

The End :)


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